Carole’s fostering journey

I’m a single person. I live on my own and I haven’t got a cat, though I’d like one (or a dog)! I have two sisters, four nieces, two great-nieces and a great-nephew. I worked as a teacher for many years, first in London, then in West Sussex. I worked at a university training teachers. I was the teacher-lead for a Sure Start programme in Littlehampton, then became the Acting Programme Manager. I also trained as a Counsellor. I did various other bits and bobs. I went through the adoption process, but my mum was quite ill at the time, so I decided that maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do. I then went back into senior leadership and opened a Children’s Centre in Findon. Then I saw an advert for a support worker in a therapeutic children’s home. So, I applied and ended up working there.

I think the catalyst was when we were locked down. I was still working at the therapeutic children’s home and started looking at possibilities. I looked at the fostering information on the West Sussex website (I didn’t want to work for a private agency). I kept looking. I looked at what training was offered and the process. And then saw a button that said, ‘Register an interest’, so I pressed it! A lady called Chris called me back and we just talked through the options and the process. She explained that if I felt uncomfortable or wasn’t happy about the process or just feel it’s not for me, then I can just step down. She was in no way pushy, she just said when it’s right for you, get back in touch. I think this was a really helpful message. I thought about it for a few days and then called to say that I would like to proceed. Also, when I was talking to Chris, I asked if it would it be possible to talk to a single Foster Carer, and she set me up with Serena, who I spoke to on the phone, and that was very helpful because she just said what it was like and how she felt.

I had been thinking about it in the back of my mind for a long time, particularly after working in the therapeutic children’s home. The children I’d worked with there had been through multiple Foster Carers and those relationships had broken down.

It would be difficult to foster as a single carer while working full time. I think if you have family or a partner, then it’s easier because obviously someone else is sharing that with you.

When I started off, which would have been around 2020/21, I went through a sort of mini-assessment with the recruitment team – they ask you various things and I think I had to give some references and things at that point. Then I was passed onto my Assessing Social Worker, Sally, who was lovely. It was all done online at the time (I’ve still never met her in person!). We had regular sessions and I found them quite interesting. I learned much more about the process and there were a few sticking points, which we ironed out. And it is intrusive! West Sussex also wanted references from every organisation I had worked for – over 40 years – most people working there now wouldn’t know who I was! Anyway, I think they followed up on some of them. I found that a bit onerous. Sally was very sensitive to any issues I raised and she wasn’t pushy at all. She was very understanding and listened to my point of view. There were a lot of emotional occasions as well – about not having had children, which is a really painful thing for me. I’m not a Foster Carer to replace that – as my mentor said, as a parent or grandparent, fostering is very different. So, we had lots of emotional moments.

We were going through the assessment process and Sally pretty much indicated that she wouldn’t take me to panel if I was going to get a negative answer. I didn’t see it as just getting a rubber stamp, but I wasn’t too worried about it. Other than it being online again at the time. Sally explained the panel process clearly and it was a positive, enjoyable experience. There were Foster Carers there, who asked some questions: about my support networks; what I was concerned about; how I saw my career as a Foster Carer developing; what I was looking forward to; what I was worried about. On that, I suppose my worry was would I have the stamina, presence of mind and empathy to do it as well as I would want to? Would I be able to keep a child physically safe – would I poison them with my cooking? With that first child coming through my door – what would we talk about, would they feel comfortable?

My Supervising Social Worker, Sharon was also there – we had met before panel as part of a handover process, which was really good – I think it helped our relationship having Sharon at panel. We had a meeting afterwards – Sharon, Sally and I – to go through any outstanding stuff, then Sharon booked in my first supervision appointment and she came out to see me. That handover was really important, because actually I found it quite hard leaving my Assessing Social Worker. It sounds ridiculous, but you develop a bond. That Assessing Social Worker, like the Supervising Social Worker, has to hold a lot of emotion, having to make decisions about people has got to be hard.

I was approved in April 2022, but it was a while before I took my first child. I turned a few down, then the Team Manager, phoned me and said, ‘We have this young woman, I think that she’d really suit you.’ I think she probably guessed that I was jittering on the edge! It’s a bit like jumping into a pool – you know, you’ve got your swimming costume on and you’re ready. And you think I’m not sure. But once you’re in, you know, it’s okay. It’s very different from going to work then leaving and coming home. These young people are coming into your home, and I did have some anxiety about that. I know it sounds ridiculous to say that I couldn’t imagine having a nameless child in my home, given that I had been preparing to do just that! As a single carer, the team is very good at making sure that a child is right for me as well as me being right for that young person.

On the day that my first young person was due to arrive, I was so nervous I couldn’t speak! I had met her, because she came to look around the house and meet me with her full-time carer, so that helped. I knew what to do if anything happened – if she went missing or there was a medical emergency – I had the phone numbers on my phone for her main carer, the Emergency Duty team, etc. But I was just so nervous really, but she was really nervous as well. But it was fine – she was 15, very quiet, very polite, but wasn’t easy to talk to. But we went out and did quite a bit, visited a castle, went to a museum, to the Welfare and Wetland Trust, and for tea… the two of us had a lovely time, but it was quite emotionally draining.

I have one young lady once a month, and sometimes slightly longer if her main Foster Carer is on holiday. I’m down to offer emergency care, although I said ‘no’ to a few over the summer as I had quite a lot of other commitments. Another young person comes over for day care and hopefully I’m going to extend that.

My sister asked me that recently! At my age, I don’t think so, but you never know.

Yes, I really feel I have. Getting to know other Foster Carers has been very useful. And I have a mentor, which has been really helpful because it is just somebody to bounce things off, I think. It was also someone to talk to before I had my first child here. So, she described to me the process that she goes through when welcoming a new child – she’s much more organised than I am though! She did say, you just need to be super organised and I thought, ‘Oh no, I’ve failed at the first hurdle!’. My preparations might be different, but it was good to get some of those practical details – those little nuggets – that you just don’t think of.

I did have one incident that put me through my paces. When you go on the training, they tell you that what you need to do and what you can do and you will get the support. But once I think there’s nothing like experiencing it to actually embed it in your mind. In my reflection for my one-year panel review, I did mention that I now know that I can pick up the phone at any time of day and know that someone will be there to advise and support – whether that’s my Supervising Social Worker, or the Emergency Duty Team.

A lot of children who have experienced trauma can be quite shut down. I feel guilty that I’m not making a bond and think that I’m doing something wrong, but I know I need to accept that it just might not happen, or may happen in a different way. One of the biggest surprises is that it can be a real laugh! I had a very polite little five-year-old boy who was a complete livewire all the time and was up for anything, his mind was completely open to every experience. He wanted to be doing stuff and to have a laugh.

Having a fantastic experience of the assessment process with Sally, then carrying on with Sharon, who’s been great as a Supervising Social Worker – she’s really tuned into how I am and is good at listening and taking things forward. If I have concern, she is there for me at any time and set me up with my mentor and the wider cluster of Foster Carers for me to talk to. Although I wouldn’t say I am totally comfortable still yet, but I do feel more confident now that I’ve had seven children. They have all been delightful, and the matching is really important, so the young people have played to my skills. They have been challenging in their different ways, but they have taught me an awful lot. The training is good, but it’s nothing like gaining experience. Sometimes a child highlights for you the fact that you need a different kind of a training, such as how to get a child to open up who is very shut down. I just want to get my head more around that where I understand why a child might be like that and finding a can opener really and terms of trying to open them up. I think that the experience and training together is so valuable really. I am looking forward to getting to a place where I feel excited, rather than completely nervous! When I relax a bit, I really enjoy it. I know the children’s full-time carers pretty well – we talk a lot. That dynamic is really important, so that we have that wider pool of understanding and can share experiences. It’s important to feel part of something, rather than just a babysitter, which could be the danger with respite care. I’m excited about the Mockingbird programme rolling out across the county and would like to be involved. That interconnection of families, children and Social Workers I think is really healthy and that sense of being part of a hub.

Think about what your lifestyle is like and what you will have to change. And in terms of your home what you need to do to accommodate children. And think about what it is that you want to get out of it really. I think it is important that you do take something away from it; that it is enriching for you. And I think that’s what it is. Think about the repertoire of experiences and skills you have and how they can be used in working with a child – pain, loss and grief, although they may have felt hard at the time, can help you understand what these children have been through.

Get to know your child – their likes and dislikes, interests, etc – so that when they do come to you, you can book things up, and engage the young person and have a positive experience with them. As a teacher, planning is important to me, and if I’m nervous, I need to plan in detail!

I think there’s a lot of work to do in helping the wider world understand what it is like to be in care and what people can do to support these children. People often have a stereotypical view of what children in care will be like. When I tell people I foster, I have had some odd comments, such as ‘Are you looking after very troubled children?’, which is unhelpful to me and the children. I think people are slightly frightened of children in care. When you see what a difference 10 years makes in a child’s life, where they haven’t had enriching experiences and good attachments – all that possibility that would have been there, but they put up defences to survive that difficult, traumatic situation and they keep that up. Whether that can ever be made better, I don’t know, but we have to try.