Joyce’s fostering story

While I mainly foster unaccompanied asylum-seeking children, who may not have experienced a Western-style toilet, or have seen a shower before. But in my experience, teenagers, in general, can smell!

With the very best intentions, I have had to explain that putting deodorant on over your clothes is not actually how it works. I have even had my husband demonstrate to our boys how to use roll-on deodorant properly, followed by antiperspirant. You sometimes have to go right back to basics.

The shower can also be a completely unfamiliar object to some teenagers – boys and girls. So explain how it works, and that they need to pull the shower curtain if you have one!

I recently had two English girls staying with me and, honestly, I think they thought the toothbrush was a bathroom decoration!

Personal hygiene is something we sometimes have to teach. I have had to explain about changing clothes regularly, brushing teeth, using deodorant and leaving the bathroom in a state that the next person can actually use!

And the wet towels on the floor? It doesn’t matter who was born where – apparently teenagers everywhere have a special relationship with the bathroom floor! 😂

I have experienced exactly the same things with children from different backgrounds. For example, when one of our boys’ clothes still smelt after I had washed them, I eventually realised that although he was showering, he wasn’t changing his clothes often enough.

This is life skills, and not every child arriving in foster care has been taught them.

That is where we come in.

We are carers – the clue is in the name. And to foster means to encourage, nurture and help someone grow.

So, sometimes fostering means having the difficult but necessary conversation about washing, teeth, deodorant, clean clothes and wet towels!

It also means teaching tolerance.

We live in a country where people have very different religious, political and personal beliefs. Some of those views can be extremely strong and, sadly, can sometimes include racism or discrimination.

In our home, we teach tolerance.

That doesn’t mean everyone has to agree with everyone else. It means accepting that someone may have completely different beliefs to you and learning how to live together respectfully.

I have had a previous foster child who was gay. His sexuality was his personal information, and it was his choice who he shared that with. I would never disclose something so personal on his behalf.

At the same time, other children may have beliefs that are very different from his.

The answer isn’t forcing anyone to change their beliefs. It is teaching them to respect one another and live alongside difference.

Sometimes you agree.

Sometimes you disagree.

And sometimes you simply learn to tolerate each other – respectfully.

That is something I believe every child we care for should be taught.

The same applies to physical affection.

We should never assume that because we want to give a child a hug, they will automatically want one. Children come to us with very different experiences. Some may have experienced war, trauma, loss or things that we cannot begin to understand. They may feel guilty about being safe, happy or cared for.

So we assume nothing.

We give them the same respect around physical contact that we would give any other child.

In our house, high-fives are usually the starting point. Even that took one of them a long time to become comfortable with – probably close to a year.

Affection doesn’t always have to be physical.

Sometimes being noticed, encouraged and told that you are doing well is enough.

While I mainly foster unaccompanied asylum-seeking young people, ultimately, whether a child is British, Muslim, Irish, African, French, unaccompanied or anything else, they are a child coming into our care.

We shouldn’t lower expectations because of their background, but we also shouldn’t assume they already know everything we think they should know.

If they don’t know how to look after themselves, we teach them.

If they don’t understand boundaries, we teach them.

If they don’t understand difference, we teach tolerance.

If they are frightened of affection, we give them time.

If they struggle with personal hygiene, we have the conversation – however many times it takes!

That’s fostering.

It isn’t just providing a bedroom, meals and a roof over someone’s head.

It is caring for a growing child, teaching them the things they haven’t yet learned, giving them boundaries, giving them confidence and helping them become the best version of themselves.

And sometimes, yes, it means picking up another wet towel from the bathroom floor. 😂

I have been married for 17 years, and when we married, we very quickly started fostering. We had already talked about it and then one day, my young son came home from school and in his innocence (and mine!), he said “My friend has been taken into foster care, go get him!”. I always wanted children in my life, and we already had family chats about it. So, I thought right we’ll start the process. I’m definitely glad we did it.

I have been fostering for 14 years now. It doesn’t feel like we’ve had many children, but we’ve always had children since I started fostering. My first child was four when he came to us. I remember exactly how I felt – I opened the door and he fell through my door into my arms. His little hug, despite him smelling of urine, made me feel instantly protective of him. He also had headlice, so he had a haircut. His first day back to nursery and the Nursery Manager didn’t even recognise him. He had a clean outfit and a nice haircut. When I picked him up, she told me it was the first day that he hadn’t raided the fruit bowl because he was hungry. We had him for 18 months. And then we had a young girl. At the time, we were very inexperienced Foster Carers, we thought we would do time outs and all that sort of parenting, but it doesn’t work on traumatised children. We had already been on a parenting course, so I knew there was a different way to parent than the experience I had had as a child. I wanted to know more. I had a couple of respite children during COVID. One of my foster children has been with me since he was nine and is now 19. One of the things that we try to communicate to all the children we’ve had is that you might move on from foster care, but we still care about you.

So, this is relatively new to me! These are my first two UASC young people, although daunting, it was exciting, and my partner and I were open to the challenge. My past fostering experience allowed for the boys to transition and settle into our care quickly.

I have two UASC boys who are both 16 and a half, one from Afghanistan, the other from Iran. They had a very different journey, one came by plane and the other by taxi. The care we provide is like any other child we have cared for, they come with their stories of traumas; in addition to the basic and emotional care we provide, we also make sure they have access to all the resources to learn English and integrate into the community. They deeply miss their countries. Most don’t want to leave – it’s not a choice they have. They are desperate to work. And I love the fact that they want to go to school, they want to work, and they want to learn English.

Opening a bank account for the two boys was hard. It’s harder because they have no ID. Apparently you can do it online but no matter what I did, I couldn’t do it. So, after being rejected by four or five banks, I found that Lloyds Bank could do it. It took weeks to set up but now they both have access to a savings account.

I grew up in Ireland, so straight away I thought, what did I want when I came over to England? I wanted to find my tribe. So, for me the first thing I could see was that one of the boys was very religious, and I thought, well I was very Catholic when I first came over. And it was something from home that I was familiar with. So, I said to him, “Would you like to go to a Mosque?” and he said, “Oh yes please!” So, my son took him by bus – that way he knew how to get there.

We celebrate everything. We celebrated Ramadan and we always ate together because it’s a feast. I always made so much more food during Ramadan so they could eat through the night. At the end of Ramadan, the boys had gifts. In addition we listen to different music in the car too, we take it in turns so on the way out we’ll play Iranian Persian rap music and, on the way back, we’ll put on Afghan music.

Absolutely! They do advise that you complete the UASC training course. And it’s simply because these young people have experienced different types of traumas than mainstream children. For example, a lot of them already come from loving, caring families. But they have possibly been in war zones. Like my Afghani boy – he talks to his family on the phone every day. I have also completed a therapeutic parenting course. I think every Foster Carer should do this training as it sets you up! I use the training daily, even now. My biggest thing is reflection. If I make a mistake, I have no problem going back to a child and saying, “You did ABC, but you know what, I could have been calmer and I am sorry”. Reflection was one of the biggest things I learnt. Self-reflection and self-examination. Thinking how I would feel, putting myself in their shoes.

There are so many positive stories, the boys loved being part of Christmas celebrations, alongside Ramadan and Eid, so there’s lots of holidays and celebrations.

I have met other Foster Carers who I probably wouldn’t have been friends with, but through fostering we have become good friends. I love fostering and many of the young people I’ve cared for still come back to visit me.