Sam’s fostering journey

My husband, myself and my twins, who were five at the time, started fostering 23 years ago. We were with an independent fostering agency in London, and we cared for under-fives and started with babies.

We’d been doing that for a while, then we took a break because we adopted two of the children who came into our care. We went back to fostering after a few years, again, under-fives, because that just suits us.

Then the agency I was with sold up. So, I went with another agency locally. I’d never wanted to be with the local authority because it just didn’t seem to offer the training, support and the financial package. Then my son said to me, “I’m really not happy with you doing the private stuff and not fostering for West Sussex”, so I phoned and it was just as good! The response was quick and we transferred over and honestly, the support and training that we get and the financial package matches, and in some ways exceeds whatever we’ve had before. And we’ve continued to do the under-fives and that really suits us.

The Social Workers are aware that we just love that age group. One of the children that we adopted has additional needs, so for her to have the younger age group really works day-to-day.

I was a Family Support Worker in a London Borough, and we did a lot of preventative work back then, and there was a Foster Carer called May. Things were very different 30 years ago and a nursery would ring up and go blah, blah hasn’t picked up her kids again and they’d go take him around to May’s. She lived in this little Council maisonette that looked very tidy and when you opened it up, it was this amazing TARDIS! There was always something cooking on the pot. There was always a big welcome and I just remember thinking, “Oh my God, I’d love to do what she does”. Then I worked at Feltham Young offenders.

I always said that when we had our own kids, I’d like to foster and my husband was like, yeah, one day. And like I said, we had twins. Then one day, I took my girl daughter twin out and when I came back, my husband had been to the supermarket and a joyrider had stolen a car and knocked my son over.
The police came and said to there’s nothing we can do. This family are very clever. Then I got a letter from youth justice who said Steven’s really sorry that he knocked your son over. Can he come and say sorry? And I said to my husband, I want to work with children like that.

Then we were on holiday in Cornwall and I picked up a newspaper and there was an article that said ‘Could you foster?’ I called the number and the rest, as they say, is history.

My husband works full time out of the home, and I gave up work to foster when my kids were five, to give me the opportunity to be home with my own children. They grew up fostering, then when they were ten, we adopted the girls.
So currently at home now is one of the twins, who was studying in France and has come back. His twin sister has moved to London, although comes home frequently. I’ve got an 18-year-old at home who’s at college and works part time. Then I’ve got a 20-year-old who has quite significant needs, so she’s at home and will be until we decide if she moves into residential care.

We can take either three siblings or two siblings and a baby in my room. We’ve got two siblings at the moment – a seven-month-old and a two-year-old.Then I’ve had a baby, but she’s just moved on to adoption. A friend of ours is adopting her, so we will still see her frequently.

All of the children that we have fostered, we tend to still see. One lives in Canada and we’ve been to visit and he still comes to see us here. One lives in Surrey and we see him frequently. Another little girl lives in Surrey. I’m her Godmother. Another girl is coming to see us Thursday and then I do a big meet-up twice a year where they all come and it’s great! There’s a funny story where a little girl who was fostered with us last year was here when the five-year-old was here. The one we were caring for fell over and hurt her knee and was crying and the other said, “She was my mum when I lived here.”!

I’m so passionate that there’s room for all of us. Just because you adopt doesn’t mean that you’re going to keep a little bit of love back from another child. What’s really lovely is that my friend who just adopted the little girl that’s just moved on, and the families of two other more recent children who had moved on, had a big gathering here. They were supporting that mum and saying, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened”. But you’re going to have a dip where you’re wondering, ‘Is this the right thing?’. So just seeing them and what they got from it makes it worthwhile. We have a WhatsApp group, and they’ll message to say, “Can we meet at yours?” The last party was when one of the little girls moved on and one of my foster children, who’s now 20, said “You did this for me, didn’t you, Auntie Sam? I’ve got all the pictures still.” It helps them because they see children come and go, they see some children return home, and it gives their story some clarity. And lets them see that this is sometimes how people do things. If you come in with your birth children, you’re in a minority. Oh, you’re living with your first mum and dad… how boring!

This is going make me emotional now, but it’s a real privilege and every time I think how lucky we are that we are to be able to do this. I always think you should be at home with your family, but you can’t be, so I want to make this the next best thing. When you come into my house, you should never know who’s fostered, who’s adopted, who’s visiting from next door, who’s a grandchild… you should come in and everyone should be equal. Whether you’re here for a day or three years, this is your home.

I always say that we’re only one step away from being in these family’s shoes. I just say I’m privileged to be on this side of the fence.

A lot of my children don’t go home to their first family. That doesn’t mean that we need to make it a negative experience for that first family. I actually had a parent phone me – it was my first child and she phoned me a year after he’d moved on. She said, “I just wanted to phone you and say thank you for getting me to accept that my little boy coming home wasn’t the right thing”. And, you know, and lots of families, I just like I said, I include them back when I first started doing this.

I’ve got so much respect for the families that I work with, I couldn’t hold it together like some of these mums and dads do when they come and see their children. I always say, don’t demonise the families and Social Workers (sometimes some things have been horrific and that’s a different story), but most times when you’re looking at the families you’re working with, they’ve never had anyone who said, this is how you be a family.

So, if I could give them just a snapshot of that before the children return home. Or even if not returning home is the right thing. It doesn’t mean that the time that they spend with their children shouldn’t be special and valuable.

It’s not my job to judge them. You know, your kids are here and someone’s made those judgments. Not to say I don’t have feelings sometimes, but yeah, it’s important to be respectful.

What I’ve liked with West Sussex is from my initial phone call – she was on the ball. Then I had a lovely lady called Emma who did our assessment. If Emma said she was coming at that time, she came at that time, if Emma was looking at something, if you had a concern, I was never left wondering.

It’s always been really good. My first Supervising Social Worker, Jane. I love her to bits and cannot speak highly enough of her. When she had to move (because she’s gone to therapeutic parenting) I was distraught, but I have started to build a good relationship with my current Social Worker.

It’s taken us a while and I’m not the easiest person to work with, I’m not going to lie,
so it took us a while to build the relationship, but she’s been very patient with me! And now I feel I can pick up the phone and that’s what I like. I’m a talker, so I’ll phone her and go, “I don’t really want you to do anything, Abby. I just need you to listen!”.

And then she’ll give me a bit of advice or go, “Is that it?” And I’ll go, “Yeah, that’s it. I’ll see you next week!” That’s been really good.

The Team Manager, Rebecca (I don’t know how she puts up with me either!), knows that I’m very upfront. If I’m not happy with something, I’ll tell you and Rebecca listens and she’s really good in terms of matching children that are going to work for us and where we’re going to work for them. They’ve been very good at listening to what we can offer.

I’ve never felt pressured in any way to widen my age range, which wasn’t the case with the agencies.

I’ve been on some really good training. I’m not a fan of online training, I like being in the room. And there’s been a couple where I just thought that was good, but that would have been amazing in person!

The support has been really good, too. Like the two kids that were with me last year and it was a little bit of a mess with the court. There were no other Foster Carers, so I said I’ll take them, but I can’t get them where they need to be every day and the Social Workers bent over backwards to make sure that the pressure wasn’t on me. They picked that up and I didn’t have that pressure.

I do feel that I’ve been well supported and I wouldn’t return to an agency again.

One of them was when a birth mum knew her child was going to be adopted and it was a goodbye visit. She said, “I’ve always wanted to take her to the beach”. At first, people were like, I don’t think so. But then we arranged it that one of their last visits was at the beach. They collected pebbles. They painted them. And they’re in the child’s memory box.

Sometimes a child that you think they’re not going to find a family for, they do and it’s amazing.

When you’re able to keep in touch, like I said, we’ve got all these little people running through our lives now that just bring us so much joy and some of those children have moved on to their new families and I’m in touch with them. But I’m also in touch with their first families as well.

Sometimes, when parents say to you – like the children that I’ve got now, their parents saying, “I’m glad they’re with you”.

Or you’ve got parents saying I wish they were with me, but they’re not. So, I’m glad they’re with you. Appreciating what an honour and privilege that is.

New friends that you make. It’s a way of life. When I do children’s life story books, I start the page with it takes a village to raise a child because of all my friends and support around me, so how that’s brought us all together is quite amazing really.

A lot of my friends say how they’d love to foster, but they can’t. So, supporting me for them is amazing.

It’s having people around you that get it. There are people who embrace it and are on the journey with you and some people that just don’t get it and that’s fine. You find out who your people are. We have an amazing group of friends who support us in what we do, and we couldn’t do it without them. I think collectively that all comes together: your friends, your family, a supportive Supervising Social Worker and the peer support, and you feel valued and respected as a carer for your experience and your contribution.

Do it! Someone said to us in the beginning: ‘It’s a train journey, not a plane journey. You can get off or take a break at any time, so dip your toe in the water’.

I can remember years ago watching a documentary with a care-experienced guy who’s mixed race, and it was for couples who were going to adopt. When they went on their preparation training, they all wanted a white newborn and didn’t want to tell the baby that they were adopted and he pushed all their boundaries.

One looked after a sibling group for a while, one took a child with disabilities. One took an older child and all of them were like, “Oh my gosh, we’ve been tested”.
It challenged our own beliefs and it was so good. So, if you’re up for it, it’s amazing and life changing and the rewards you get back you can’t even measure them. It’s hard to put into words, but I would definitely say if you’re thinking about it, start the journey because as you’re going through it, you’ll know if it’s for you or not.

And ask questions. I know somebody who stopped fostering because they hadn’t asked, they were under a bit of an illusion about how often the kids see their parents. And then it’s sort of impinged a bit. So, ask about Family Time, ask those things. And also from the other side, if you’re taking families through the process, tell them that it could be three to five times a week.

Once you’ve got your head around that you’re like, ‘oh, right. Yeah, I can do that’. Or actually, ‘no, I can’t’.

Some of the challenges were where I hadn’t been prepared. I think the first time we had a little boy from five days old and he stayed two and a half years. I hadn’t been prepared for the impact of that. What I did was protect everybody else in my family and friend’s circle, and then it was like a great crushing bereavement. I just thought, oh, what have I done? And I said to my husband, I don’t think I can do that again. I don’t think I could put myself through that again.

When people say to you, “I couldn’t do it, I’d get so attached”. You have to get attached because we’re showing children how to love and be loved. So, it was just the challenge of maybe not giving myself enough time.

I think another challenge is sometimes you know what you want for these children. And then the courts make very different decisions. Or decisions are made and it’s out of everybody’s hands. There was a decision made about a little boy that said to me, “Auntie Sam, you did this all for me”. Friends of ours had come forward – they’d known him since he was small, and the London borough just wanted to rush it.
I took it all the way up to Director and he said, why are we doing this to this child? He needs to move to a family who knows him. And he said, even though it would take longer, and it doesn’t look so good on our records, we need to put the child first. Sometimes, you need the confidence to speak up. When I was first doing that, you didn’t always feel that maybe you were able to or should. Sometimes you need to voice concerns and have the courage of your convictions.

I think people go, “Oh, I couldn’t do it because I don’t own my own house, or I haven’t got a partner or because I’m gay”. I’ve had these conversations in the past month I don’t how many times. And I’m like, we’re looking for real families, for real children. OK, sometimes that real family couldn’t meet their children’s needs, but you could.

The little girl who’s just moved on from me, they’re quite a young couple that have adopted her, but they reflect in a positive way on her first family. The adoptive mum and the dad are the same age as her birth mum and dad.

So, look at what you bring to the table. So, you’re a single carer, but your mum and dad are great, or your sisters live around the corner and they’ll help. So what if you don’t own your own house, you’ve lived there for five years. You know, the couple that says, “Oh, we haven’t got loads of savings in the bank and we’re paying off a fridge freezer monthly blah, blah, blah.” Don’t worry about that. We just need real families for real children.

None of us have got to where we are without bumps in the road, grazes on our knees. Like I said, that’s how close we all are to the other side of the fence. So, if you think you can do it, just take a step and find out.

And you know, the supportive team are there to help you do it, you’re not on your own and it’s like I just said I wouldn’t do anything else. And if I could go back and do it all again, I would do it all again.

Do you know what? That I didn’t do it earlier. But when I look back, it was the right time because we had our children. But there’s no regrets. Some people say, “But that was a bit unfair on your kids, blah blah blah”. And I say to them now, the bigger two, if it could have been any different, would it have been better for you? And they’re like, “No!” My 28-year-old daughter put a post on Instagram last year… we’d gone to the beach with one of the little girls who came back to visit us and I’d taken a picture of them both walking along Worthing Beach. I sent it to her (the little girl’s mum said it was okay). And my daughter put it on her Instagram story and wrote ‘I LOVE ALL OF MY SIBLINGS’ in capital letters.